7 weeks ago

sorry for the long absence, and thank you for all the prayers. For over 3 years now I have been seeking answers for why my mom wasn't healed, after losing the battle for Malachi I was really struggling, it felt like I was in a non-stop battle with depression and my temper was always boiling under the surface (and frequently above the surface). I know that God has been working on me for a while I've been trying to share this journey in my blog but seven or eight weeks ago I was at a breaking point I didn't know where to turn to, many of my friends were tired of my questions it seemed, I had lost respect for most of the church leaders I knew I had nowhere to turn to, so I cried out to God. ( I know all you smart people would have done it sooner and I thought I was but in desperation I cried out and He heard me) And I am not sure if I can put into words all that's happened in the last seven weeks.
God began showing me things, to start with if you had asked me 3 months ago I would have told you I was a serious Christian and that I felt I was fairly radical in my faith but as I was praying God kept giving me one Bible verse I knew it was what He wanted me to preach on but I didn't know what He was trying to teach me so I just kept praying, for two weeks all I got was this one verse, then Saturday night before I was supposed to preach I still only had this one verse. I was willing to get up Sunday and just read that verse, but as I asked God if there was more I kept thinking about some of the stories I'd read in "Voice of the Martyrs" and I felt lead to read "Jesus Freaks" which is unusual because I try to stay away from reading other books as I'm preparing my sermon I want to hear from God not just repeat a author. Yet as I read story after story of people who died for their faith I knew what God was asking me, did I love Him that much, was I that committed to Him? I asked myself what would I have done in these brave Martyrs shoes, would I have stood strong even under torture and death, I didn't know, then it got harder would I remain true if would cost my wife or children torture? up to this point my whole family had been asleep, but then my son woke up and came and crawled in my lap. I gave God my most honest answer I didn't think I was strong enough if they were hurting my son I didn't know what I'd do, at that moment I realized I probably loved my son more than God. And then I felt as though God asked me the question "how did I think I would die for Jesus if I wasn't even willing to live for Him?" some of these fellow believers rejoiced that they were counted worthy to suffer for Jesus, and I don't even want to share my faith at times because I might get laughed at. I have heard horror stories of what happens in some parts of the world if you accept Jesus, your family might disown you and take away your home and jobs or they might torture and kill you. If the cost of being a disciple of Jesus was that high how many of us would choose to follow? Here in America we want every head bowed and every eye closed so no one will know we said a prayer, if we can't even acknowledge being a Christian in church what makes us think we would die for Him? My sermon title "how serious are we?" and I answered for me, in the past I watched movies I'm sure Jesus would not have, I've laughed at jokes Jesus would not have, I've listened to music Jesus would not have, I have not prayed as Jesus would have, etc. How serious was I? serious up to the point I was comfortable. The verse God gave me 2 Timothy 2:19 "Nevertheless the foundation of God standeth sure, having this seal, the Lord knoweth them that are his. And, let everyone that nameth the name of Christ depart from iniquity." That night I re-dedicated my life to God not as someone who had left and was coming back to Him but as one who had become complacent and lukewarm as someone who had become good at making excuses for the lack of holiness in my life and I repented for justifying sin in my life. I know I may get labeled as legalistic but there is no place in my life anymore for most of the movies and television shows I used to watch or some of the music I used to listen too. My relationship with Jesus is too precious to risk breaking fellowship with Jesus over the worlds garbage. This was the first step for me and the journey God has taken me on since then has been amazing, so before I get too long winded for anyone too read this I'll share more in the next day or so Lord willing.