okay, so seven weeks ago is now more like 9 weeks ago, I've had a few friends tell me my posts are so long it takes them a few days to get through them. So I'm trying to give them a chance to catch up between posts, but since that night God has been teaching me so much and doing such a incredible work in my heart it's hard to keep up in this post. I didn't know I could be more challenged than I was after that night as God asked me if I could die for Him, but then as i was listening to a song by Jeff and Sherri Easter called "I Just Wanted You to Know" I was challenged even further I began to look at the story of Abraham again Genesis 22:2-3 "And he said, Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and get thee into the land of Moriah; and offer him there for a burnt offering upon one of the mountains which I will tell thee of. And Abraham rose up early in the morning, and saddled his ass, and took two of his young men with him, and Isaac his son, and clave the wood for the burnt offering, and rose up, and went unto the place of which God had told him."
A week ago I asked myself if I could stand up for Jesus if they were gonna hurt my kids if I didn't deny Him, did I love Jesus that much was I that committed to Him, but what if God Himself asked me what He asked of Abraham? Now remember although Abraham believed God could raise Isaac from the dead, unlike you and me he didn't know the end of the story like we do, he actually went in obedience expecting to sacrifice his son. And even more challenging is this statement "and Abraham rose up early in the morning..." Abraham didn't wait, he didn't argue, He immediately moved in obedience. God asks me to give up little unimportant things and it still takes me weeks to obey at times. Let me give you a example, I have strong convictions about witchcraft, I believe that the bible is very clear on what God thinks about it, so I choose not to watch movies like harry potter or play games like dungeons & dragons, or world of warcraft. Then one day someone challenged me they told me I was being legalistic, that there was a great mission field in the game, so I tried a similar game called last chaos and I loved it, I got to share my faith with people on a almost daily basis and since my character was not a magical one I told myself it was okay, I even called a accountability partner and asked him if he thought it was okay, and he said it was okay even gave me a bible verse. (though to be fair I think I misrepresented the game to him I downplayed the magic in the game and told Him about the mission field, I just wanted to have him say it was okay so I could ignore the nagging in my conscience, since then he has challenged me and encouraged me to quit the game) But every time I played it there was a small voice questioning me after months of disobedience I quit the game, I still miss it and hoped I would find out I was just being legalistic as a matter of fact I have kept it on my computer until now. (I am uninstalling it as I write this) I believe with everything in me that God is calling His children out, that He is asking us to be different, I believe that the church in America has been largely lukewarm at best. That we (myself included) have played with the devils toys, watched the devils movies, listened to the devils music, and then wondered why we need man made programs to power the church, why there is little or no evidence of Holy Ghost power in our lives and churches and this is one of the reasons we still love the world and not only love the world but many times love the world more than we love God James 4:4 "Ye adulterers and adulteresses, know ye not that the friendship of the world is enmity with God? whosoever therefore will be a friend of the world is the enemy of God." I have a long way to go, giving up "last chaos" is a long way from what God asked of Abraham but I pray from now on I'll obey with instant obedience and that with Gods help I'll be ruthless at getting rid of everything in my life that displeases God. So He can say of me the same thing He told Abraham Genesis 22:12 "And he said, Lay not thine hand upon the lad, neither do thou any thing unto him: for now I know that thou fearest God, seeing thou hast not withheld thy son, thine only son from me."
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
7 weeks ago (pt 2)
In my last post I shared that my anger was getting the best of me, well God really began working on me about this. I know it's easy to tell someone not to be angry, but it's not so easy to just quit being angry. As God began to deal with me on this I knew God wanted me to let my anger go I just didn't know how but as I prayed God showed me I had to start with forgiveness. Hebrew 12:15 says "Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled;" this was happening in my life. let me back up for a second, I was raised in a church that professed the "deeper Word" and believed in divine healing, this was the church my mom and most of my family still attended when my mom died. Now while I still believe that divine healing is promised in scripture as part of Christs work on the cross. When mom died I felt like everyone around me made excuses for it. I heard people say "it was God's will for her to die", "that it was her time to go", and "that we just don't know why she wasn't healed" bear with me for a second and lets look at a few verses in scripture Isaiah 53:4-5 "Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted.
But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed." healing is part of the atoning work of Calvary, I know some of you are saying that this is spiritual healing but look at Matt 8:16-17 "When the even was come, they brought unto him many that were possessed with devils: and he cast out the spirits with his word, and healed all that were sick: That it might be fulfilled which was spoken by Esaias the prophet, saying, Himself took our infirmities, and bare our sicknesses." if Isaiah was talking about spiritual healing why does Matthew refer to it in regards to physical healing? According to Exodus 15:26 "And said, If thou wilt diligently hearken to the voice of the LORD thy God, and wilt do that which is right in his sight, and wilt give ear to his commandments, and keep all his statutes, I will put none of these diseases upon thee, which I have brought upon the Egyptians: for I am the LORD that healeth thee." I know that this promise was given specifically to the Israelites but if God says that He is the Lord that heals, and He doesn't change why would we think he doesn't heal anymore? Psalm 103:3-4 says "Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases; Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies;" I don't have any idea how many people Jesus healed when He was here in the flesh, but I know it says in several places that they brought there sick to Him and He healed them all, and John 21:25 says "And there are also many other things which Jesus did, the which, if they should be written every one, I suppose that even the world itself could not contain the books that should be written. Amen." and while I freely admit that Jesus did not heal everyone in Israel while He was here I can't find one example of someone who came to Him for a healing and He turned them away, so though Jesus did not heal everyone, it appears He healed all who came to Him. and sorry but you can't use Lazarus, I hear people say He didn't heal Lazarus and there right but He didn't just let him stay dead either. James 5:14-15 "Is any sick among you? let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord:
And the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up; and if he have committed sins, they shall be forgiven him." . And here was my problem my mom called the elders of her church they prayed for her and in my opinion obviously failed. I know I am just as guilty of this failure as anyone else (read my post "the day that changed my life" to see my personal struggle with this failure) but in this moment of loss and hurt and confusion I looked to the leaders around me, the pastors and elders I had grown up respecting my current pastors and they all seemed to be making excuses, I was a hurting and angry young man asking those who had been saved a lot longer than me for answers and they had none, so with every excuse they made I became more angry. I was angry that mom was dead but even more angry because the leaders I had looked up to, the ones who had been saved so much longer than me, some longer than I had even been alive, the ones who said they were teaching the "deeper truths" and where my role models of spiritual maturity had not only failed miserably they seemed okay with it. ( I firmly believe unless we seek God for why we failed and change what He shows us we are okay with losing) Anyway that night as God was dealing with me about how serious I was about Him, I saw my arrogance for over three years I have not quit asking God why did mom die? how could we have lost such a serious battle? and how do I make sure it never happens again? and I became arrogant because I felt that I was searching for answers that leaders far my senior didn't know and seemed content not knowing. I can't explain all that happened that night, I still miss mom like crazy but now it hurts before I buried the hurt with anger. I still believe it is God's will to heal, I believe we lost that battle but I have forgiven the church, I have forgiven myself. And it was a truly humbling thought to realize after three years of angry searching I still didn't have the answers when I needed to fight for Baby Malachi. I gave God my anger, and my arrogance that night I repented and He forgave me. (if I have hurt or offended anyone with all this anger and arrogance I am truly sorry and humbly ask your forgiveness) God has given more answers to the questions I've been asking for over 3 years in the past few weeks than in the whole three years combined. But that is for another post, sorry for the length of this post if you have made it all the way through it, thank you for reading and I hope and pray that God will use my story to encourage and challenge you in your walk with Him. Lord willing I'll post the next part in a couple days.
But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed." healing is part of the atoning work of Calvary, I know some of you are saying that this is spiritual healing but look at Matt 8:16-17 "When the even was come, they brought unto him many that were possessed with devils: and he cast out the spirits with his word, and healed all that were sick: That it might be fulfilled which was spoken by Esaias the prophet, saying, Himself took our infirmities, and bare our sicknesses." if Isaiah was talking about spiritual healing why does Matthew refer to it in regards to physical healing? According to Exodus 15:26 "And said, If thou wilt diligently hearken to the voice of the LORD thy God, and wilt do that which is right in his sight, and wilt give ear to his commandments, and keep all his statutes, I will put none of these diseases upon thee, which I have brought upon the Egyptians: for I am the LORD that healeth thee." I know that this promise was given specifically to the Israelites but if God says that He is the Lord that heals, and He doesn't change why would we think he doesn't heal anymore? Psalm 103:3-4 says "Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases; Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies;" I don't have any idea how many people Jesus healed when He was here in the flesh, but I know it says in several places that they brought there sick to Him and He healed them all, and John 21:25 says "And there are also many other things which Jesus did, the which, if they should be written every one, I suppose that even the world itself could not contain the books that should be written. Amen." and while I freely admit that Jesus did not heal everyone in Israel while He was here I can't find one example of someone who came to Him for a healing and He turned them away, so though Jesus did not heal everyone, it appears He healed all who came to Him. and sorry but you can't use Lazarus, I hear people say He didn't heal Lazarus and there right but He didn't just let him stay dead either. James 5:14-15 "Is any sick among you? let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord:
And the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up; and if he have committed sins, they shall be forgiven him." . And here was my problem my mom called the elders of her church they prayed for her and in my opinion obviously failed. I know I am just as guilty of this failure as anyone else (read my post "the day that changed my life" to see my personal struggle with this failure) but in this moment of loss and hurt and confusion I looked to the leaders around me, the pastors and elders I had grown up respecting my current pastors and they all seemed to be making excuses, I was a hurting and angry young man asking those who had been saved a lot longer than me for answers and they had none, so with every excuse they made I became more angry. I was angry that mom was dead but even more angry because the leaders I had looked up to, the ones who had been saved so much longer than me, some longer than I had even been alive, the ones who said they were teaching the "deeper truths" and where my role models of spiritual maturity had not only failed miserably they seemed okay with it. ( I firmly believe unless we seek God for why we failed and change what He shows us we are okay with losing) Anyway that night as God was dealing with me about how serious I was about Him, I saw my arrogance for over three years I have not quit asking God why did mom die? how could we have lost such a serious battle? and how do I make sure it never happens again? and I became arrogant because I felt that I was searching for answers that leaders far my senior didn't know and seemed content not knowing. I can't explain all that happened that night, I still miss mom like crazy but now it hurts before I buried the hurt with anger. I still believe it is God's will to heal, I believe we lost that battle but I have forgiven the church, I have forgiven myself. And it was a truly humbling thought to realize after three years of angry searching I still didn't have the answers when I needed to fight for Baby Malachi. I gave God my anger, and my arrogance that night I repented and He forgave me. (if I have hurt or offended anyone with all this anger and arrogance I am truly sorry and humbly ask your forgiveness) God has given more answers to the questions I've been asking for over 3 years in the past few weeks than in the whole three years combined. But that is for another post, sorry for the length of this post if you have made it all the way through it, thank you for reading and I hope and pray that God will use my story to encourage and challenge you in your walk with Him. Lord willing I'll post the next part in a couple days.
Monday, February 16, 2009
7 weeks ago
sorry for the long absence, and thank you for all the prayers. For over 3 years now I have been seeking answers for why my mom wasn't healed, after losing the battle for Malachi I was really struggling, it felt like I was in a non-stop battle with depression and my temper was always boiling under the surface (and frequently above the surface). I know that God has been working on me for a while I've been trying to share this journey in my blog but seven or eight weeks ago I was at a breaking point I didn't know where to turn to, many of my friends were tired of my questions it seemed, I had lost respect for most of the church leaders I knew I had nowhere to turn to, so I cried out to God. ( I know all you smart people would have done it sooner and I thought I was but in desperation I cried out and He heard me) And I am not sure if I can put into words all that's happened in the last seven weeks.
God began showing me things, to start with if you had asked me 3 months ago I would have told you I was a serious Christian and that I felt I was fairly radical in my faith but as I was praying God kept giving me one Bible verse I knew it was what He wanted me to preach on but I didn't know what He was trying to teach me so I just kept praying, for two weeks all I got was this one verse, then Saturday night before I was supposed to preach I still only had this one verse. I was willing to get up Sunday and just read that verse, but as I asked God if there was more I kept thinking about some of the stories I'd read in "Voice of the Martyrs" and I felt lead to read "Jesus Freaks" which is unusual because I try to stay away from reading other books as I'm preparing my sermon I want to hear from God not just repeat a author. Yet as I read story after story of people who died for their faith I knew what God was asking me, did I love Him that much, was I that committed to Him? I asked myself what would I have done in these brave Martyrs shoes, would I have stood strong even under torture and death, I didn't know, then it got harder would I remain true if would cost my wife or children torture? up to this point my whole family had been asleep, but then my son woke up and came and crawled in my lap. I gave God my most honest answer I didn't think I was strong enough if they were hurting my son I didn't know what I'd do, at that moment I realized I probably loved my son more than God. And then I felt as though God asked me the question "how did I think I would die for Jesus if I wasn't even willing to live for Him?" some of these fellow believers rejoiced that they were counted worthy to suffer for Jesus, and I don't even want to share my faith at times because I might get laughed at. I have heard horror stories of what happens in some parts of the world if you accept Jesus, your family might disown you and take away your home and jobs or they might torture and kill you. If the cost of being a disciple of Jesus was that high how many of us would choose to follow? Here in America we want every head bowed and every eye closed so no one will know we said a prayer, if we can't even acknowledge being a Christian in church what makes us think we would die for Him? My sermon title "how serious are we?" and I answered for me, in the past I watched movies I'm sure Jesus would not have, I've laughed at jokes Jesus would not have, I've listened to music Jesus would not have, I have not prayed as Jesus would have, etc. How serious was I? serious up to the point I was comfortable. The verse God gave me 2 Timothy 2:19 "Nevertheless the foundation of God standeth sure, having this seal, the Lord knoweth them that are his. And, let everyone that nameth the name of Christ depart from iniquity." That night I re-dedicated my life to God not as someone who had left and was coming back to Him but as one who had become complacent and lukewarm as someone who had become good at making excuses for the lack of holiness in my life and I repented for justifying sin in my life. I know I may get labeled as legalistic but there is no place in my life anymore for most of the movies and television shows I used to watch or some of the music I used to listen too. My relationship with Jesus is too precious to risk breaking fellowship with Jesus over the worlds garbage. This was the first step for me and the journey God has taken me on since then has been amazing, so before I get too long winded for anyone too read this I'll share more in the next day or so Lord willing.
God began showing me things, to start with if you had asked me 3 months ago I would have told you I was a serious Christian and that I felt I was fairly radical in my faith but as I was praying God kept giving me one Bible verse I knew it was what He wanted me to preach on but I didn't know what He was trying to teach me so I just kept praying, for two weeks all I got was this one verse, then Saturday night before I was supposed to preach I still only had this one verse. I was willing to get up Sunday and just read that verse, but as I asked God if there was more I kept thinking about some of the stories I'd read in "Voice of the Martyrs" and I felt lead to read "Jesus Freaks" which is unusual because I try to stay away from reading other books as I'm preparing my sermon I want to hear from God not just repeat a author. Yet as I read story after story of people who died for their faith I knew what God was asking me, did I love Him that much, was I that committed to Him? I asked myself what would I have done in these brave Martyrs shoes, would I have stood strong even under torture and death, I didn't know, then it got harder would I remain true if would cost my wife or children torture? up to this point my whole family had been asleep, but then my son woke up and came and crawled in my lap. I gave God my most honest answer I didn't think I was strong enough if they were hurting my son I didn't know what I'd do, at that moment I realized I probably loved my son more than God. And then I felt as though God asked me the question "how did I think I would die for Jesus if I wasn't even willing to live for Him?" some of these fellow believers rejoiced that they were counted worthy to suffer for Jesus, and I don't even want to share my faith at times because I might get laughed at. I have heard horror stories of what happens in some parts of the world if you accept Jesus, your family might disown you and take away your home and jobs or they might torture and kill you. If the cost of being a disciple of Jesus was that high how many of us would choose to follow? Here in America we want every head bowed and every eye closed so no one will know we said a prayer, if we can't even acknowledge being a Christian in church what makes us think we would die for Him? My sermon title "how serious are we?" and I answered for me, in the past I watched movies I'm sure Jesus would not have, I've laughed at jokes Jesus would not have, I've listened to music Jesus would not have, I have not prayed as Jesus would have, etc. How serious was I? serious up to the point I was comfortable. The verse God gave me 2 Timothy 2:19 "Nevertheless the foundation of God standeth sure, having this seal, the Lord knoweth them that are his. And, let everyone that nameth the name of Christ depart from iniquity." That night I re-dedicated my life to God not as someone who had left and was coming back to Him but as one who had become complacent and lukewarm as someone who had become good at making excuses for the lack of holiness in my life and I repented for justifying sin in my life. I know I may get labeled as legalistic but there is no place in my life anymore for most of the movies and television shows I used to watch or some of the music I used to listen too. My relationship with Jesus is too precious to risk breaking fellowship with Jesus over the worlds garbage. This was the first step for me and the journey God has taken me on since then has been amazing, so before I get too long winded for anyone too read this I'll share more in the next day or so Lord willing.
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