The day that changed my life

(my story continued.....) One day while serving an internship with Central Assembly I preached a sermon at the annual family camp about the three generation cycle and why we were losing so many of our young people to the world, I shared how badly we needed to see God move in mighty ways that we young people (myself included) wanted more than rules and regulations we needed to meet God. I encouraged everyone to began seeking God to do big things and then to share their testimonies of Gods faithfulness and as just as I finished the sermon. Joe a fellow intern at the church came running up they had received a call at the church from my family,
mom was in the hospital with cancer and not doing well. I can't even describe all the emotions I felt at that moment disbelief, I knew mom hadn't been feeling well but cancer impossible there must be a mistake then panic, what was I gonna do, what if, no don't even think that. I had just preached about seeking God to do big things so that was what we would do so I asked a few people to pray with me then headed to the hospital to find out it was all true mom had stage four colon cancer and our family faced a very serious battle for her life. The doctors may not have wanted to say exactly how serious it was but the Internet had no such problems and a search for "stage four colon cancer" was not an easy read. Now I was raised in a church that taught divine healing I was serving in a church that has divine healing as 1 of its 16 fundamental truths and I believe with everything in me that divine healing is for today and is promised in scripture as part of the atoning work of cavalry. Yet as I went through the next several months and countless visits to the hospitals I watched mom get worse I listened to people pray with me and ask God to help us if He decided not to heal mom, I listened to arguments for why God might not heal and at times felt like I was believing alone. I told myself how hard we were fighting I'd fast for a day or two, pray for a few hours at a time and then I had the dream and knew we were still losing. and then one day sitting with mom she told me her faith was struggling the pain was so great she said she didn't know how much longer she could fight she asked me to believe for her, to be strong and not doubt I promised her I'd never quit that we would win. As mom got worse and the pain grew I never once heard mom ask why me or complain I watched as God did a work in her heart changing her she grew even closer to the Lord. In one of her last visits to the hospital she sent dad to get something to drink so we could have a few moments alone she told me how proud she was of me how much she loved me that she knew God had a great plan for my life it was one of the only times she ever acknowledged Gods call on my life she said God had gifted me with a great memory for His Word that next time I preached she would come hear me (she never got the chance), she told me for the 1st time she supported my decision to marry Sara and she was gonna work on building a real relationship with her, and some other thing I'm gonna keep in my heart alone right now, if id known that it was gonna be one of the last times we would talk alone I'd have never let it end. on August 27 I went to see her I wanted to spend my birthday with her she wasn't feeling well she gave me some money told me she was sorry she didn't get me a gift and that next year we'd go out together for my birthday it was a promise she never got to keep on Sep 1, 2005 I got a call to rush to the hospital the ambulance was taking mom there. The doctor walking in to that waiting room telling us they had tried everything is a memory I can't seem to forget I ran outside telling mom I was sorry over and over again I'd promised mom we'd win but I'd also promised her I wouldn't quit I went back inside and when they let us see her after everyone else left I stayed and I prayed for God to raise her from the dead it was the same prayer I would pray at the funeral as we said our last good-byes at the grave site my brother shared that mom was in heaven that the sun was shining and God was in control we sang that since God carried the weight of the world He'd carry us through this and about the footprints mom had left behind would leave a legacy of faith behind (she did) and after everyone left I stood there alone some men asked if the could start filling in the hole all I could do was nod my phone rang my family wanted to know if I was OK but how do you tell someone you feel like you failed your mom when she needed you the most all I could do was stand there and with every shovel full of dirt they threw tell her I was sorry. I believe with everything in me still that God is the Lord our Healer that we are healed by Jesus stripes and when we call for the elders and pray in faith we should see people healed. And I have never quit asking God why mom wasn't healed or where are his miracles (Judges 6:13) And I am going to keep seeking to know God better to walk with Him closer and to live life the way Jesus did yes I want to see miracles I want to go to a church living the book of Acts but above all I want to love God with all my heart, soul and mind to be all Jesus called me to be. Sep 1, 2005 changed my life forever I learned it's easy to talk about wanting more and following God with a whole heart but actually living 24-7 for Jesus takes commitment the commitment to come and die to self so Jesus can live through us the commitment to put my wishes, dreams, and desires on the cross so I am dead to them and alive to Christ and Christ alone.This is the journey that took me to where I am today, desperate for God